I AM A SMOKER.

And I am so ashamed. Yesterday's news was that cancer deaths have reached an astounding low mostly due to people quitting. Today's news is that cigarette manufacturers in the US have been increasing the addictive component of cigarettes - nicotine. Hmmmm. Coincidence? I think not.

Mom has been smoke free more than 18 months after about 50 years of being an addict. And if I might say it she was a fucking addict. Bad addicted. Seriously. And she has quit. She is my hero.

My aunt Jeanie was a heavy smoker and in September 2004 she died of lung cancer. All of my grandparents were smokers, though most quit before I realized it.

At my high school graduation I was voted "Marlboro Woman." Not "Most Likely To Succeed." "Marlboro Woman."

Every day I wake up and smoke and hate myself and big tobacco. I've been able to quit for short periods and it amazes me how much smoke stinks when I have been away from it. It makes my house stink and my clothing stink and my hair stink. It makes my skin stink. There have been short periods where I have quit and I've gotten in the shower and I can smell the stink coming out of my pores in the steam.


This is the year I will quit. I don't want it any more. I hate it. Above and beyond concerns for my own health I simply refuse to be a pawn for the tobacco companies.